Beautiful Life | The Beginning Of My Journey

It was August of 2013, and it was  my last year at Bethune-Cookman and so naturally I wanted to go out with a BANG (partying)!

Yet , during the week, after my classes were over, I would come home and I would sleep. I would sleep for hours before I woke up and did my homework.

It was October and Homecoming parties were on my list of “Must Attend”.

I remember after leaving this night club with a friend and some guys and going to this guy’s house and then leaving almost immediately because I felt like I was getting sick ( too much liquor).

Weeks later, I missed my period and then went and bought a pregnancy test from the Dollar Store. The next morning I took the test and it was positive.

A flood of ideas crossed my mind about what I should do. My first reaction was to take a picture of the test and then to throw the test in the dumpster outside of my apartment so my mother wouldn’t see it.

Months before this my mom had told us that she had breast cancer and that she needed us to be on our best behavior. I remember her specifically saying not to get pregnant because we could not afford it.

So I trashed the test and then looked for the closest Planned Parenthood to get an abortion. The closets one was 2 hours away, but for the type of abortion that I wanted ( the pill) I had to be less than 7 weeks pregnant or something like that.

Later that week, I met up with my child’s father and he made dinner and then we laid in bed and  I told him the news.

He asked me what I wanted to do and I told him I didn’t want to keep it. He seemed relieved. He said, “Don’t worry, everything’s going to be OK.”

I could not believe that I was pregnant. I did not believe that everything was going to be OK. I looked up where I could go and take an “actual” pregnancy test because, at the time, I was so sure that the dollar one didn’t work correctly.

I found a Resource for Women in town and went there.

Their test confirmed that the dollar pregnancy test was right and that I was indeed pregnant.

Not only did I take an “actual” test at the Resource for Women, but they did an ultrasound.

The moment that I heard her heart beat, I knew that I could not abort her.

I started crying and told the doctor to turn everything off. I could not stand to see the tiny thing on the screen that the Doctor kept calling a baby. I could not take the sound of a steady heart beat beating almost rhythmically with my own.

I cried because I knew that I was going to end up being a single mother. I cried because I knew that my child’s father wasn’t someone I loved or someone that I wanted in my life forever. I cried for the life and the potential that I thought I had just flushed down the toilet. I cried because I knew that my mother would be disappointed ( I lived for her approval). The tears went on and on it seemed like. I was hysterical and the Doctor gave me a moment to collect myself.

She asked me what my plans were and I told her that I wanted to have an abortion. I lied and said that my child’s father was forcing me to and that that is what I wanted too. She told me that she could not refer me to anyone nor could she tell me how far along I was. She recommended that I speak with the Executive Director and talk to her about all of my options.

I remembering sitting across from Michelle ( the ED) and her asking me if I would consider adoption.

“If I’m not going to have this baby, then no one else is either,” I said.

She asked me if I was a Christian, and if I was, to think about what God would want me to do.

In that moment I thought about this one time, before all of that, when I was in church and the Pastor stopped the service to relay a message from God.

He said, “Someone is thinking about abortion. I want you to know that God said to let that baby come, no matter how that baby got here to let that baby come.”

I remember  how I felt when he said that and how I hoped that that mother would listen to the Pastor. I shared that memory with Michelle and she asked me if I was going to be obedient to God or blatantly disobey him.

I cried out of fear, fear of not knowing how my life was going to turn out. But I made the decision to obey God. I made up my mind in that moment that I would keep my child.

Michelle encouraged me. She said that God would provide, she said that my child is special, she said that everything would be OK.

I told my child’s father that I changed my mind and that I was going to keep the baby. He wasn’t happy about it. Later on I found out why.

But can I tell you something?

That was the best decision that I have made, to keep my child.

Her name is Gia, Gia means God is gracious. God is gracious indeed!

Though fornication was my sin that brought her here, God saw fit to still bless me, to provide for us, to direct us, to be our Father and protect us and love us.

Just as God is doing for me and Gia, he can and is able to do for you.

Gia and I have everything we need and any time a new need pops up, I try not to worry because I know that God will provide.

My heart sinks for the women who were like me and wanted to abort their baby and went through with the plan.

Know that God still loves you. Know that you are not a failure. Know that God gives us second chances. Know that what the devil meant for bad God will use for the good. Know that you are not alone.

For the mamas who had their baby’s or are now pregnant, know that everything WILL indeed be OK. Allow God to lead you, run to him and not to man.

Later I will share my testimony on why I did not slap Gia’s dad with child support and how that’s working out.

In the mean time I want to leave you with the song that really ministered to me called Beautiful Life by Trip Lee:

Signed,

Mama Winn

  1. Jae

    May 11, 2016 at 7:49 pm

    You have a powerful testimony. It brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your courage in sharing it. I pray that God will use it to bless others. Thank God you didn’t go through with an abortion. Gia is so precious!

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