Mama2Mama | Broken Hearted Girl
The idea behind Mama2Mama initially started out a YouTube series idea, which there are a couple of Mama2Mama videos of You Tube (click here), but for now, the written word is just as important as the spoken.
Tonight I want to share my Valentine’s Day story.
The last time that I had a really good Valentine’s day date may have been back in 2011. I was dating this guy just months after getting out an abusive relationship and I didn’t think that I could give love a try again. To myself, I was damaged. To him, I was beautiful. I was kind. I was everything that he wanted and he gave me everything that I wanted. From my favorite flower, sunflower, to my favorite candies, Twix and gummy bears, he wanted to see me smile and I did. Every Valentine’s day before and after this was just another day.
It was just another day because I was either single or in a terrible relationship. I didn’t feel loved and I didn’t know how to love. And while tomorrow will feel like just another day, because I’m single, I’m ok with that.
I understand that God is still working on me.
Not long ago, in fact, November, 2016, I was in a relationship with a guy and it lasted for about 3 months. The relationship moved so fast! He verbally abused me and then later physically assaulted me.
We were in a serious relationship after 4 days of talking (mistake #1). Then after a month of dating we said, “I love you”( mistake #2). I ignored red flags such as his charm (the Bible says charm is deceiving), and him losing his job only a week into our relationship (he wasn’t stable), he got angry fast ( the Bible calls this kind of a person a fool), he was jealous, he wanted me to delete all guys from my social media accounts (controlling behavior), he found fault with members in my family and suggested I’d stop talking to him ( he wanted to isolate me), I mean the red flags were red hot, but I was foolish.
I was foolish and I called it moving on faith.
We even had a wedding ceremony in a church, with his family and my mom and sister. We said our vows on January 1, 2017, and come January 8, he physically assaulted me.
The relationship ended there and I cried. I was guilty. I was ashamed. I beat myself up because how could I have ignored all or these signs when I work at shelter for victims of domestic violence. I should’ve known better. I mean I really beat myself up.
Yet, I thank God that I did not turn in the marriage certificate. I thank God that today I was able to stand in court and get a two year protective order. I thank God for his constant protection. I thank God that I didn’t get pregnant ( we tried). I thank God from whom all of my blessings flow.
And while my heart is still hurting because I realize that I’ve never been in a healthy relationship, I am comforted in knowing that God is close to the brokenhearted. He is here with me. He will never leave me. He will make me over. He will continue to do a good work in me. He will see that I am made into the woman whom he would have of me to be. And one day, I won’t spend Valentine’s day alone with my child. One day I spend Valentine’s Day with a man who will make everything that I’ve been through make sense. One day, I will be in a healthy relationship and I will know how it feels to really be loved. He will love me as Christ loves the church. I will be for him and he will be for me. I have hope that this man that I dream about is near. It’s only a matter of time before we meet.
Mama, I want to encourage you in this season to have hope. Have hope that the love that you desire from a man is out there. It’s only a moment of time before you meet him. Until then, let’ focus on our relationship with God. Let’s allow God to continue a good work in us. Let’s purse Christ diligently and then expect every good thing to come afterwards.
Mama, are you looking for support as a parent? Consider joining my CSM Support Group!
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