CSM Story | Hurting But Hopeful
I don’t have a well thought out story. Everything is just spilling out as I type. All I know is my friend tagged me in your post and I’m currently hiding in my pantry so I can let some tears out while my son is screaming my name for the millionth time today.
People want to know real stories, and this is about as real as it gets. I am literally holding the door know so my kid can’t get in this pantry with me, so I can take a few deep breaths before I walk back out to continue mommy-ing, so I can whisper one more “it’s ok” to myself after I’ve lost my cool too many times in one day.
I’ve been at home all day with my son, who has strep throat for what feels like the 100th time. I love him with every once of me, but he’s a handful. He has some sensory processing issues, ADHD, behavioral problems, and is emotionally dysregulated most of the time. I love him and wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world, but it’s hard… HARD. Having a child like mine, or any child for that matter is hard to parent even in a family with both parents. Taking one of those parents out of the equation is so hard that I’m not sure I can adequately describe it.
I don’t have a sad story that people sympathize with you where I fell in love, had a baby and the father died, or that we were a happy family and got divorced. No, I was young, dumb, far from God and slept with a man who wasn’t a good man. A man I knew wouldn’t be a good father and yet I still chose to have unprotected sex with him. I was 21, not even a year clean from drugs and found myself pregnant. I lived with my parents, had no job, and no idea what I was doing. Fast forward a couple of years and I’m now an independent woman. I just moved into my own house for the first time. I am a legal/executive assistant at an amazing firm. I make enough (not a lot) but just enough to pay my bills. I am almost 7 years clean from drugs. So that’s how I know God has been working in my life. I should be dead by now, but here I am, alive and proud to have a testimony.
Every day lately has been a struggle. Between my anxiety and depression and Isaiah’s behavioral struggle, between figuring out how to live on my own, between therapy appointments and evaluations left and right, it’s been a tough few months. And even on days, I fall flat on my face, the next day I get back up, and for me, the only answer must be God. I’m not where I want to be in my faith, but I know I’m on my way. I watched God and ONLY God save my parent’s marriage. I watched God provide. I feel God there for me when I’m crying because I feel SO alone, even when I seek Him at that moment. I tell Isaiah on our way to school every morning, “God is going to help you stay calm.” And although he’s still young, I hope that sticks in his head. Whenever I drop him off I ask, “Who loves you the most?” And he always says,” God.”The love I have for this little boy is so intense I can’t even imagine the love that God has for him. So I can’t give up, because God didn’t trust me with this blue-eyed boy for me to just stop trying.